Surviving your partner's emotional infidelity

August 19, 2008 12:00:00 AM PDT
Emotional infidelity -- a fantasy that can be a real threat to your relationship. Danine Manette, author of "Ultimate Betrayal," shares advice for saving and improving your relationship when your partner checks out.

Danine's advice:

Emotional infidelity is extremely dangerous because you usually don't know you are involved in an emotional affair until it's too late. They start off as innocent contact and interactions with a friend, co-worker, neighbor, etc, but before you know it the relationship has taken over your mind and left you in a constant crush state where you are fixated on this person or this relationship.

Signs you are in, or close to being in, an emotional affair.

  • You begin being more concerned about what your co-worker will think about your new skirt, perfume, hair style than your spouse/partner.
  • You find yourself thinking about this other person when you are with your spouse/partner and have become fixated on where they are or what they are doing.
  • You and the other person make comments to each other like "too bad you're married" or "if I was your man/woman I would never do this or that."
  • You look for any excuse to have physical contact with the other person (innocent touch on the arm, body bump, back rub, etc)
  • You are more excited about going to work/ church/ school or wherever this person is, than you are about going home to your spouse/partner.
  • You think about this person during sex with your spouse/partner.
  • You find yourself comparing your spouse/partner to this person on a regular basis either when alone or when with the other person.
  • You find yourself discussing personal matters with this person that you may or may not discuss with your spouse/partner.
  • You begin to feel the butterflies in your stomach that you haven't felt since high school.
  • You seem to have "checked out" of your current relationship (as was described by Jennifer Aniston as Brad Pitts behavior after returning from filming Mr and Mrs Smith with Angelina Jolie).

What to do when you realize you are having, or close to having, an emotional affair.

  • Recognize it for what it is, don't ignore the signs. The longer you let it continue the more invested you become in the fantasy.
  • Break off all unnecessary contact with the other person. These affairs are so dangerous because as long as you are around them and guessing about what a relationship would be like with this person, you are still in fantasy land. As we all know, fantasy and reality are seldom equal, and dreaming of what "could be" is both destructive and usually unrealistic. Therefore, if you want to remain in your current relationship, recognize that "all that glistens is not gold," move away from the fantasy world and into the real world, and leave that guy alone!

Buy the book on Amazon: Ultimate Betrayal

About Danine Manette
Danine Manette is the author of the popular book Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity." Danine Manette received a Bachelor's Degree in Social Welfare from the University of California at Berkeley and went on to earn her Doctorate from Hastings College of Law in San Francisco, California. She has worked as a Milieu Therapist, a Juvenile Probation Officer, and currently works in the field of Criminal Investigations.

Her ability to confront the topic of deception and betrayal is rooted not only in her educational and professional experience, but most notably she is a living testament to the effectiveness of the tactics and information presented to the reader.

For more information, visit http://www.ultimatebetrayal.com.


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