How to effectively deal with conflict

Here are specific tips on how people can address and engage in conflict in a healthy, positive, and productive way from author Mike Robbins:

1. Take responsibility: It always "takes two to tango." Taking responsibility is not about being at fault or blaming the other person, it's about owning up to the situation and recognizing that we are a part of the issue.
   
   
2. Address the conflict directly: Conflicts are always handled most successfully when they're dealt with directly and promptly. Be real and vulnerable when you approach someone with an issue, but make sure to do so as soon as possible, don't let it fester.
   
   
3. Seek first to understand: As challenging as it can be, the best approach in any conflict situation is to listen with as much understanding, compassion, and empathy as possible - even and especially when we're feeling angry or defensive. If we can understand where the other person is coming from, even if we don't agree, we have a good chance of being able to work things out.
   
   
4. Use "I" statements: If someone does or says something and I have a specific reaction to it, that's real. If I judge someone, make a generalization about them, or accuse them of something not only is it not "true" (it's just my opinion) it will most likely trigger a defensive response from them. We must own our feedback as ours, not speak it like the "truth." We do this by using "I" statements.
   
   
5. Go for a win-win: The only real way to have a conflict resolved authentically is if it's a true win-win for everyone involved. This doesn't necessarily mean that each person gets his or her way.
   
   It does, however, mean that everyone gets heard, honored, and listened to. And, when and if possible - we make compromises that leave everyone empowered and in partnership.
   
   
6. Acknowledge others: Whether it's a one-on-one conversation or a situation that involves lots of people, acknowledgment is essential to our ability to engage in productive conflict and to be able to resolve it in an authentic and effective way. Thank the other people involved in the conflict for being willing and able to engage. Thank them for their truth.

In a conflict an important distinction for us to remember is the difference between our opinions and our truth. We all have opinions-lots of them. Many of us think our opinions are actually facts, though they're not! There's nothing wrong with having and expressing opinions.

However, many of them are filled with righteous judgment and an arrogant sense that we're right and those who don't agree with us are wrong. Our "truth" runs much deeper than any of our opinions.

Truth is about how we feel and what is real for us. Truth is not about being right; it's about expressing what we think and feel in an authentic, vulnerable and transparent way.

• Stop managing other people's feelings: It's arrogant, manipulative and somewhat ridiculous to think we have the power to manage other people's emotions.
  
  We also use it as a cop-out to not really speak our truth. We can be aware and mindful of other people and how they might feel (so we don't end up being mean and hurtful on purpose), but when we let go of taking care of others in a condescending way, it frees us and them up to be grown-ups and have adult conversations, which sometimes can get a little sticky or tense when we're speaking our truth.
  
  
• Be real, not right: This is huge when it comes to speaking our truth. When we focus on winning or being right, we no longer can access the deepest places within us, which is where our real truth comes from.
  
  When we let go of our attachment to the outcome of a conversation, what the other person thinks and our erroneous obsession with always having to be right, we give ourselves the opportunity to get real. Being vulnerable and transparent are the key elements of speaking our truth, not dominating the conversation and the person (or people) we're talking to.
  
  
• Practice: Like anything and everything else in life, the best way for us to get better, deepen our capacity and grow is to practice. In this case, as we're talking about speaking our truth, it's not about role-playing per se (although if that helps give you the courage to have a difficult conversation, go for it).
  
  It is about speaking up and stepping into your life with your truth. Will you mess it up? Of course! Will you say the wrong things sometimes? Yes. Will people get upset, offended or defensive at times? Absolutely. This is not about being perfect, it is about being yourself and speaking authentically.