An acronym in the book, "Getting to Calm: Cool-Headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens," that helps parents manage meltdowns with their teens more effectively: CALM.
C Cool down. Don't talk. Breathe. Count to ten.
A Assess your options. What are the costs and benefits of various approaches to the teen's behavior right now? Yelling back is costly. Finesse with holding the line but quietly deflecting is less costly.
L Listen with empathy. Starting to address the teen with appreciation for his/her feelings doesn't mean that you approve or agree, but it does reduce the risk that a blow up gets a lot worse. (e.g. "I know it's a bummer and you're disappointed")
M Map a plan. What are the issues that you may want to take on LATER with your teen regarding the issues in the meltdown?
So, teenagers will have their outbursts, but the authors are also trying to help parents not react to them at the time, which only leads to more blow ups. They are not just addressing the mechanics of teen emotions, but parents' emotions too. All humans have their buttons pushed, by which all of us can become highly emotional in reaction to people that offend us or upset us. When the red zone of the parent clashes with the red zone with the teen, it's not a pretty sight. Parents need to know that the first order of business is damage control and calming down. Only by becoming "emotionally regulated" can people fire neurons again in their "thinking" brains, successfully reflect, discuss things rationally and listen to each other effectively.
Teens tend to do all sorts of things that push their parents' buttons. They refuse to do their chores, rack up huge cell phone bills, speak disrespectfully, and beg for all sorts of new electronic gear. The question remains, are kids more spoiled than they were a generation ago?
Busy and tired parents often avoid the hard work of saying "no" and dealing with the aftermath. It can be a trial to insist on chores, take away privileges after misbehaviors and help our kids delay gratification until goodies are earned. Kids like stuff, we like to make them happy, and therefore, we give them the stuff to make them happy. The authors call this "entitlemania" in the book. One potential upside to the recession is that parents may be more motivated to "just say no." Yes, there will be upsets. But with good management skills, parents can say "no", "get to calm", and make sure we see some virtuous behaviors in the teens BEFORE they get the goodies!
About the author:
Laura S. Kastner, Ph.D., is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the University of Washington and a nationally recognized expert on teen behavior and development. She is a clinical psychologist and sees couples, children and families in her practice. A mother of two children, she lectures widely on adolescence and family behavior.
About the book:
Neuro-imaging research has documented that teens are undergoing a monumental change in their brains, starting at about age 13. The "thinking" part of their brains is losing about half of its grey matter in a process called "pruning". The good news is teens grow new brain connections and wisdom over the next ten years, based on learning and experience. However, in the meantime, this reconstruction process contributes to the moodiness, emotional reactivity and risk-taking that we previously blamed on either "raging hormones" or maybe even bad parenting! This research helps parents be less judgmental of themselves and their teens, so they can get down to the business of parental guidance, skill building and problem solving, which the teens desperately need. If we know that most teens will have emotional tirades on occasion, because the impulse control mechanisms in their brains have not matured, we can focus on effective management, not our outrage that our teens have the meltdowns. It's like being upset that toddlers fall down a lot and skin their knees. It's just part of teen development.
>> Website: http://www.gettingtocalm.com/book.html
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