"I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny."
"I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'The man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds."
"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."
"I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge."
"I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive. Things are happening."
"Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century."
On fame and humor...
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
"I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done."
"But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night."
"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
"I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage."
"We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us."
"I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F-- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine."
"Don't expect praise without envy -- until you're dead."
"I was smart enough to go through any door that opened."
"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die, they will donate my body to Tupperware."
"I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."
"I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for 'Best Special Effects.'"
"You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work."
"Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you."
"I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs."
"At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."
"I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it."
"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus -- that way, I'd visit him every day."
"When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off."