What would we do without Gwyneth Paltrow and her informative, inspiring website, Goop? Without it, we'd have no idea how the other half lives. With it, we can buy our friends and family members Christmas presents recommended by dry-brushing proponent, probiotic-eating, conscientious uncoupler Gwyneth Paltrow.
A look at her Christmas Gift Guide is much like visiting another country. The language is different and the currency must be translated into real dollars, but you come home after the visit with a new understanding of another culture and an appreciation for home. I read her gift suggestions not really looking for good ideas but out of sheer curiosity. The glitz and glamour of Gwynnie's list is dazzling, but here's what would really happen if I brought home some of these things. Warning: It ain't pretty.
The Row Rina Fringed Cashmere Cape, $3,190
If I brought this home, my daughter would immediately steal it and wear it while pretending to be Elsa from Frozen. I would never see it again.
Arthur Umanoff Bar Cart, $1,495
This little splurge wouldn't last very long at my house, as nothing with four wheels usually does. My boys would take it for a test drive. (I'm guessing it would fail the test drive.)
Hay & Scholten & Baijings Tea Towels, $32
A steal at just $32 each, but in my house the beauty of a dip-dyed tea towel would fade pretty quickly once it's been used to sop up grape juice, melted popsicles, and vast quantities of chocolate milk.
Anita Ko Safety Pin Earring, $1,995
At my house, a safety pin is a safety pin, even if it costs a grand. It would inevitably be used to hold pants with a popped button that got lost in the no-man's land between the hamper and the washing machine.
Mackage Lorde Kid's Coat, $450
Even if this coat lasts through three hand-me-downs, the idea of spending that much on a coat for a child to wear one season makes me start to break out into hives. (Goop probably has a $1,000 cream for that.)
Light + Ladder Hanging Ballast Air Plant Holders, $150
Suspending what my sons would surely view as ninja stars from my ceiling is going to help me reach my medical insurance deductible pretty quickly. Thanks, Obama!
Cashmere Throw Blanket, $995
According to Gwynnie, "It's really hard to go wrong with a cashmere throw blanket." So true! You can't go wrong with a $995 cashmere throw. Unless you want to wash it or buy groceries for a month.
Henri Matisse: Cut-Outs, Drawing with Scissors, $44.53
We love to give art books for Christmas! And what better idea than to give a child a book that encourages them to "draw" with scissors. Who wants their bangs cut?! This charming book would inspire my 7-year-old to be reckless.
Morgan Parish Key Chain, $30
A stylish little bauble that would surely end up in the litter box after my daughter used the fluffy end to entertain our cat on Christmas morning.
Easy Health Angel Juicer in Gold, $4,739
The day I have time to juice things is the day I have enough money to buy this juicer. The day I'm referencing is never. Besides, if I got this juicer I'd have to gold-plate my whole kitchen so it wouldn't clash with all the "basic" appliances.
Smythson Currency Case, $285
Here is where Gwyneth Paltrow's sense of humor really shines. If I bought this $285 "currency case," let alone anything else on this list, I'd have no more currency, ergo, no need for this case. Did Gwynnie just pull a Gift of the Magi? Good one, Goop!
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The 14 Most Annoying People You Encounter at the Grocery Store
11 Gifts for Baby's First Holiday
Splitting Holidays After Divorce: Does It Really Gotta Be Like That?