Avoiding post-holiday divorce

January 21, 2008 4:43:13 PM PST
Tomi Tuel joins us to share what she learned from her divorce. Learn what to do to help yours go smoothly.

More people file for divorce in the month of January than any other time of the year. Tomi Tuel shared advice on how to avoid the post-holiday divorce. Tomi is author of 101 Things I Learned After My Divorce.

Tomi Tuel's book: 101 Things I learned AFTER my Divorce is available at www.Amazon.com.
Marriage Education: www.Californiamarriages.org

Divorce Month:
The day on which a combat attack or operation is to be initiated. Or, ironically it's the day of the year in which the highest number of divorces are filed. Typically it is the first day of the first full work week of the year. This year it was Monday, January 7.

The good news:
The good news is the month is almost over and if your marriage is on the rocks you are almost free and clear, you just have to make it through to Valentines Day!

Statistics

  • Divorce lawyers: From January to Valentine's, this is their busy season.
  • ¾ of the proceedings are instigated by women
    • 50% of these women site infidelity as the cause
    • The number one cause for the D-Day filings is infidelity.
    • Christmas parties are a rich time for infidelities
  • June and September are other big months, but not as big as January (end of school/back to school).
  • The divorce rate is 3.6 divorces per 1000 people
  • The marriage rate is 7.5 marriages per 1000 people
  • The divorce : marriage rate is 48% (3.6/7.5)

    Causes:

  • Holiday time means togetherness time, which can lead to the realization that you can't stand each other.
  • Holiday time means discovering your spouse is cheating on you time.
  • People try to stick it out during the holidays for the kids, the relatives, the gifts, the year-end bonuses, and taxes.
  • People hope their marriages will improve during the holidays. (Ex. Buying gifts from the kids to him and still you get nothing).

    What are the signs of a cheating spouse?
    Physical signs, suspicious behavior, disappearing acts. Profile of a cheater.

    The SICK Principle - The discovery steps we go through and how to do it with class.
    Suspect
    Investigate
    Confirm
    Kick Ass

    Coping with the initial shock:
    Getting the news that your marriage is over before it is legally over is one of the hardest things to grasp. It is downright devastating. Hearing their names mentioned together, see their physical appearance change (losing the weight), acting differently towards you. You have to believe the man upstairs has a better plan for you. And it is better to get it all out on the table at once.

    Be around people who love you and can support you. Talk about it, get it out, but now is not the time to communicate with your spouse. Lean on family and friends, and seek professional guidance. Get marriage education www.Californiamarriages.org; or churches.

    Where's the humor in it?
    If your spouse has left you for someone else know this, marriage results from affairs less than 9% of the time and the divorce rate for such marriages is 70%. If you are the one left behind, find the humor in knowing they are doomed.

    Is there hope after infidelity?
    YES! You can repair your marriage. But what do you do while your spouse is running amuck? You take care of yourself and go on with your life. You can either wait it out (typically affairs peter out after one year) or you can file for divorce. If and when it is meant to be, then you can start repairing the damage. People remarry each other all the time. Just remember there are no rules.

    How to avoid falling into the trap of infidelity:
    The answer is simple...Marriage Education is where it's at! For marriage education visit www.Californiamarriages.org. They list a whole slough of churches and Healthy Marriage Coalitions that promote marriage education. It is a federally funded program.


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