- In general, couples should try a separation before moving straight to divorce. Tell them together as a couple using neutral language. "We both decided that we're going to separate because we haven't been getting along very well and want to see if that helps."
- Don't blame the other parent, even if there was an affair or some other dramatic reason that the marriage is ending. This is
because children need to love both of their parents and shouldn't feel obligated to take sides.
- Tell them once you have the details settled regarding your living situation. This is because children have a strong
need for predictability. They need to know what will and won't change in their lives going forward.
- Let them know that the divorce is not their fault and has nothing to do with anything that they have or haven't done.
- Encourage them to ask questions.
- Give them time to adjust.
- Refer to therapy if they don't appear to be adjusting well. Worrisome signs are: sleeplessness or excessive desire to sleep, clinginess, angry acting out, truancy, depression, drug or alcohol use in teens.
Dr. Joshua Coleman is Co-Chair of the Council on Contemporary Families and is a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area.
He has been a frequent guest on the Today Show, NPR, The BBC, View from the Bay and has also been featured on Sesame Street, 20/20, Good Morning America, America Online Coaches, PBS and numerous news programs for FOX, ABC, CNN, and NBC television.
His advice has appeared in The New York Times, The Times of London, Fortune, Newsweek, The Chicago Tribune, Slate, Psychology Today, U.S. World and News Report, Parenting Magazine and many others.
He has served on the clinical faculties of The University of California at San Francisco, The Wright Institute Graduate School of Psychology, and the San Francisco Psychotherapy Research Group.
He is the author of numerous articles and chapters and has written four books: The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony (St. Martin's Press); The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework (St. Martin's Press); When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along (HarperCollins); and Married with Twins: Life, Love and the Pursuit of Marital Harmony.
His books have been translated into Chinese, Croatian, and Korean, and are also available in the U.S., U.K., Canada, and Australia.
>> Buy Dr. Coleman's books on Amazon
For more information, visit www.drjoshuacoleman.com and www.contemporaryfamilies.org
