Colton Underwood gets candid about his 'Bachelor' experience: 'I'm still dealing with PTSD'

LOS ANGELES -- We've followed Colton Underwood on his journey to find love from Becca Kufrin's season of "The Bachelorette," to his romance with Tia Booth on "Bachelor in Paradise" and finally falling for his current girlfriend Cassie Randolph on season 23 of "The Bachelor." In addition to recovering from the coronavirus, which Underwood revealed he tested positive for in March, the former reality television star is opening up about the risks he took in letting it all out in his new book "The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV."

"I always knew the control I was giving up by going on a reality TV show of my life, but I didn't know how it was going to affect me mentally," Underwood said.

Underwood started his book shortly after filming "The Bachelor" and claimed that writing was a therapeutic process for him. His memoir not only recounts the experiences Bachelor Nation witnessed on television, but includes many never-before-told details, including his friction with the franchise's production teams.

"I'm still dealing with PTSD. I haven't been able to watch any 'Bachelor' shows since I've been off my season," Underwood revealed.

Underwood expressed that he disagreed with a lot of decisions the show's producers made over months of filming...which ultimately lead to his infamous fence jump. In a tell-all fashion, Underwood gives Bachelor Nation a raw look inside his experience with this new book.

"I'm not trying to write this book to expose anybody or take anybody down," Underwood clarified. "I just want to share my side of things."

In addition to taking readers through his journey on "The Bachelor" franchise, Underwood gets real about his childhood, his parents' divorce and his football career, which was halted due to injuries. However, Underwood admitted he was most scared to share his struggles with self-identity and questions of sexual orientation.

While Underwood was undoubtedly the most famous virgin in America at one point, the audience never got the full picture on why Underwood had decided to wait. When asked whether his struggles with sexual orientation played a role in his abstinence, Underwood responded, "It definitely did, whether I knew it or not at the time."

"I internalized a lot of my struggles," Underwood continued. "I always had a hard time on 'The Bachelor' articulating my reasons why I wanted to wait."

The former reality star went on to share the strain having a highly publicized romance has put on his relationship, even leading the couple to break up at one point. "We still struggle sometimes to deal with it," Underwood said.

At the end of it all, Underwood is grateful for "The Bachelor" since it gave him exactly what he signed on for--his girlfriend--even if the journey to getting there was a lot tougher than he imagined.

"The First Time: Finding Myself and Looking for Love on Reality TV" is now available.