FIGHT FAIR AND FIGHT FUN -- MAKE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP OUT OF A GOOD FIGHT
Imagine being able to express exactly what you think and feel in every moment of your relationship… where even in the heat of the moment you can avoid ripping your relationship to shreds and instead create connection, intimacy and a deeper partnership.
With 1 of 2 marriages ending in divorce, 20% in the first five years, something isn't working. Christine Arylo and Noah Martin, partners in life and business, say that most people don't know how to fight fair.
"Every relationship has its fights and disagreements, but the biggest difference between partnerships that work and relationships that are work, is each person's ability to keep respect and honesty even in the heat of the moment."
Arylo and Martin say that if you haven't established fair fighting terms -- what they refer to as a Love Treaty, before a fight ensues, you are just setting up yourself for major warfare. "When you are feeling attacked or vulnerable, the last thing you can be is rational," explain the couple, "so just like countries have terms of engagement, so should couples."
Some of the 'rules of fighting fun and fair' that Arylo and Martin suggest, ones they have tried in their own marriage, include:
Things that can never be said or brought up in a fight!
- Hypotheticals. No posing pretend scenarios to test your partners love for you, and then get mad about their response. Don't ask what he would do if you and your dog were hanging off a cliff, which one would he choose? Or if he would still love you if you gained 50 lbs. This is not a win-win!
- Nothing older than 3 months. You are not allowed to bring up any situation older than three months past. Once an event is older than 3 months old, it's so ancient you can't even remember it. Great relationships are void of grudges, even if you were right!
The mantras you have to stick by no matter what.
- No name calling or swearing. Like our mom used to say 'Use your words" No matter how mad you are, resorting to name calling or swearing is a cop out. Own your feelings. If you simply must blurt out something, do it in the most absurd way you can, so that the humor breaks the anger. For example, "I am so angry with you that I want to beat you with a Gerber daisy."
- Own your stuff. When your partner calls you on your part of this fiasco, you have to take responsibility. For example, if you are acting super angry, way past what is called for in the situation, and he says, "I think you are overreacting and I think I am picking up someone else's check for your current feelings." You have to stop, really get honest and then remember this…
In the middle of a fight one of the best things you can do is to break the angry energy.
- Opera Voice Fighting. Switch your yelling into opera voice. Sure, continue your fight, but do it full operatic tones. You won't be able to stay mad.
- Hey, I'm on your side! No matter what, remember that you are partners, on each other's side, and although your egos may be in battle, your hearts still want the best for one other. Saying, "I am on your side here" can really break the ice.
- The Mean Paddle. Make an agreement - while you are getting along -- about a sign that you can use to indicate that the other person is being mean to you. That way when you fight, you can use the signal vs. saying, "Hey you are being mean." We use an imaginary Mean Paddle - it has a big M on it, and when one person is being mean, we hold up our hand like the Mean Paddle is being raised. It works every time.
A new kind of self-love expert, Christine Arylo takes a fresh approach to redefining and teaching self-love. Author of Choosing ME before WE, Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love.
Arylo's opinions and techniques have appeared on E! Entertainment, WGN, FOX, CBS and ABC TV, over 100 radio programs, and in publications like the San Francisco Chronicle and the Daily Om. A teacher, inspirational catalyst, and self-admitted, but recovering achievement junkie and doing addict, Arylo is the founder of Madly in Love with ME™, an international self-love movement, which includes the official day of self-love on February 13.
Visit her at www.daretoliveyou.com
About "Madly in Love With Me:
Kicking off every year with international Madly in Love with ME Day™ on February 13th, the Madly in Love with ME™ movement inspires, dares and guides women and girls around the world to trade in the self-criticism, feelings of un-worthiness, overwhelm and exhaustion for unwavering self-love.
With events in cities around the world on February 13th, and a plethora of virtual opportunities - including a free Self-Love Guidebook, a Video Dare contest, and a call for rewriting the definition of self-love -- women and girls can create their own self-love extravaganzas for themselves or their friends, Madly in Love with ME™ is on a mission to reclaim self-love for every woman.
For more information, go to www.madlyinlovewithme.com
>> Buy this book on Amazon: Choosing ME Before WE: Every Woman's Guide to Life and Love
Download the Love Treaty & Fight Fun, Fight Fair Rules go to www.mebeforewe.com