Big fat lies women tell themselves

February 8, 2010 4:14:23 PM PST
Big fat lies women tell themselves -- and believe! How to get your inner "mean girl" off your back and on your side!

On February 13th, Amy Ahlers will be teaching "Inner Mean Girl Reform School" at The Madly In Love With Me Celebration Day at The Claremont Hotel In Berkeley.

She will join inspirational speakers and bestselling authors Marci Shimoff, SARK, and Christine Arylo in a day dedicated to women first taking care of themselves before taking care of everyone else!

For more information and to get tickets (and to get a special View from the Bay Discount, go to

We hear a lot in the news about kids today and bullying, but there is another bully on the scene. One who implants her mean ways inside the heads of girls and women. Meet your Inner Mean Girl? the biggest bully women face today.

She fills your mind with negative thoughts and beliefs about how everything should be but isn't. She compares your worst to everyone else's best. She loves to make you feel guilty, victimized and inferior.

And if you're not controlling her, she is controlling you. Most of us know that negative thinking is bad for our health and lives - it can affect you physically and emotionally, creating depression and disease - and it can stop you from achieving your goals and dreams. But what can you do about it?

BIG FAT LIE #1: I am so overwhelmed.
Truth: You are not overwhelmed, you are under-whelmed.

The majority of the time that we feel overwhelmed, we are actually underwhelmed. We feel overwhelmed when we fill our lives with activities and tasks that feel empty; when we do things that we don't actually value, or when we've lost connection with our inspiration and desires. In other words, we are underwhelmed by the things in our lives that hold no meaning.

When our Inner Mean Girl looks around and sees a schedule filled with tedious, underwhelming tasks that are disconnected from inspiration and passion, she convinces us that we are tired, inadequate, a victim or "a loser." But our Inner Wisdom knows that we can challenge ourselves to live a life in which we make choices for ourselves that are downright thrilling.

Every time you find yourself saying, "I am so overwhelmed!" or feeling like your head may explode, stop and use the "Choose. Lose. Delegate." System to put yourself on the road to a more energizing and inspiring life. Start by creating a list of all the weekly or monthly activities that make you feel overwhelmed. Then, sort them by using these three categories: Choose, Lose, or Delegate.

Choose: These activities are the ones that make you feel satisfied - the ones that you are willing to claim as your own with a sense of enthusiasm and purpose. It requires that you ditch any sense of victimization. We'll call this state of mind, "being at choice."

Lose: These are the things you're doing that simply don't need to be done - the ones that you dislike and are willing to let go of entirely.

Delegate: These activities are those that you dislike doing, but must get done. You will decide to pay/trade others to do them or otherwise delegate to someone else (Your mate? Your children? Your best friend who LOVES to grocery shop?).

This system will allow you to get to the heart of why each task is important to you, and then take action from a place of empowerment. You'll find the purpose in what you are doing and chose it, decide it is time to ditch it or assign to another and delegate!

BIG FAT LIE #2: I can't say NO.
Truth: When you say no, you teach people how to honor and respect you. You also establish boundaries which allow people to understand what works and what doesn't work for your authentic self.

You get asked to chair another volunteer event, and you don't want to, but you say yes. Your mother asks you to come home for the holidays and you say yes, even though you want to stay at your home.

Your boss asks you to take on another project but you're already working 50 hours a week, yet you grin and take the assignment. Women say "No" when they mean "Yes" because their Inner Mean Girl is talking in their head saying things like: "People won't like you if you say no. People will think you aren't generous if you say no. If you say no, you'll create a big fuss and lots of drama."

Throw out your "Nice Gal" hat and put on your "100% me" hat instead. Start telling people the way you really feel, start setting boundaries, and start saying no! You are the only one who can give yourself permission to say no. So in the moments when a request is made and you feel the urge to say "No" but feel the words "Yes" starting to emerge?. Pause. Ask yourself silently, "Do I really want to do this?"

If the answer is No, decline, or give yourself some buffer with a response like "thank you for asking?let me get back to you on that." If the answer is Yes, but in a different way, say "Yes, and?" Make the requests you need to make you feel good about your decision. Don't let your Inner Mean Girl guilt or goad you into action. And remember "No." is a complete sentence.

BIG FAT LIE #3: I have to do it all myself.
Truth: If you quit, the thing would get done somehow, someway.

The reason the Inner Mean Girl loves this lie is that it keeps her in power. When you believe that you are the only one that can do anything - finish a project, dress the kids, manage the household finances - you get to feel important and in power.

If a woman can't pride herself on being indispensable, then she may feel like she's losing a part of her self-worth and identity. The irony is, that if she would relinquish control, she'd could accomplish more, including taking care of herself, and get back in balance.

When you let this lie get out of control, you run the risk of making yourself into a martyr. And when you're in "martyr mode," that means one of two things: either you want attention and something to complain about to create the illusion of self-worth, or you truly have a desire to be in service and contribute but are doing it at a cost to yourself.

You must take a step back and take care of yourself first. You must make yourself a priority before you can help those around you.

Finally, whenever you are feeling bad and believing any big fat lie, learn how to get out of your Inner Mean Girl spiral by using The Wake-Up Call Coach's powerfully simple 3-Step process:

    Step One: Identify your Inner Mean Girl's big fat lies. Ask, "What is my Inner Mean Girl saying?"
    Example: "You're a failure."

    Step Two: Tune into your Inner Wisdom. Close your eyes breathe deep and ask, "What does my Inner Wisdom know to be true?"
    Example: "You are doing the best you can. You have so much to be proud of. Just look at the success with the Peterson project yesterday!"

    Step Three: Ground and lock in the learning. Ask yourself, "What physical gesture or movement represents my Inner Wisdom's truth?" and repeat your Inner Wisdom's truth with that movement.
    Example: Tapping on my heart and saying "I have so much to be proud of. I'm doing the best I can."
The most important relationship in your life is your relationship with YOU and when you transform your relationship with yourself, everything transforms.

About Amy Ahlers:

Amy Ahlers, The Wake-Up Call Coach, is on a mission to wake women up to the truth about how fabulous they are. She is a Certified Coach, the CEO of Wake-Up Call Coaching, wakeupcallcoaching.comand the Creator of The Women Masters Series, where she speaks with luminaries like Marianne Williamson, Lisa Nichols, Marci Shimoff, and SARK.

Amy is currently completing her first book, Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves (and Believe!), and leading The Women Masters Coaching Program, to galvanize women to STOP being so hard on themselves and implement the learning from The Women Masters. She is also married to the love of her life and the proud mom of her 2-year-old firecracker of a daughter, Annabella.

Amy specializes in coaching women that feel overworked and overwhelmed with the rising responsibilities they face as a modern day woman.